The Hamburglar Says To Shut Up About The Missing Hamburger List, Okay?
As a McSociety, it's time to move on.
Everyone needs to calm down about the Missing Hamburger List. We’ve looked into it. We’ve looked into it very strongly. And there is no Missing Hamburger List. Not even a Missing French Fry List. There’s not even a grease-covered menu with fingerprints all over it. Nothing. Nada. The whole hamburger thing isn’t a thing, so just drop it already!
We realize we’ve been shouting about the Missing Hamburger List for what seems like forever. We’ve said, repeatedly, that the people who’ve stolen hamburgers are among the worst in society. We made the Missing Hamburger List a key part of our campaign platform last year and said that when we finally returned to power, we were going to hold those who stole hamburgers accountable. That we were going to punish them to the fullest extent of the McLaw. That they were going to rot in the hottest parts of McHell.
We accused many of our political opponents of being hamburger thieves themselves. Or at the very least, of covering up for hamburger thieves. We said they were part of a global cabal of disgusting hamburger perverts. We said they drank the blood of young hamburgers to keep their skin looking youthful. We said we had proof of it all and it was all on this Missing Hamburger List and we were going to make this list public and that this list was sitting on Officer Big Mac’s desk, ready to expose the deviants for their disgusting hamburger crimes.
But now, our boss, The Hambugler, has told us there is nothing to worry about with the missing hamburgers. That there is no list. In fact, are there even any hamburgers missing at all? And even if there were a few hamburgers missing, is it really worth destroying the lives of people who might be falsely accused of stealing hamburgers in the process? And what if someone inadvertently stole a hamburger? Just sort of forgot to pay, or something benign like that? And plus, it would have happened years ago, so at this point, it’s kind of like, no harm no foul, you know?
And please let’s not forget, The Hamburgler would never lie about stealing hamburgers. Does he even look like the kind of guy that would put his not grabby hands with his not tiny fingers all over hamburgers that were not his? We don’t think so. Sure, he’s been photographed many times holding bulging satchels of hamburgers labeled “Not My Hamburgers.” And he’s been known to have flown on an airplane called Hamburger Thief Express. But again, hearsay and rumor and fake news. So kindly, shut the fuck up about it.
The Hamburglar has also stated on record that types of hamburgers stolen (or not stolen!) weren’t even the types of hamburgers he likes and that the ones that were (or weren’t!) stolen didn’t even have Special Sauce or sesame seed buns.
We voted and decided the Missing Hamburger List needs to be forgotten about entirely. It’s a distraction from the real problems that the Hamburglar was elected to solve. Real problems like Grimace, who we are pretty sure is an illegal immigrant. I mean, look at him? He’s purple for crying out loud! He’s the real thief, stealing jobs from hardworking, white blobs!
And let’s not forget about Birdie the Early Bird, who is a woman that wants healthcare and equal pay. Are we just going to let that kind of woke ideology infect all the Fry Kids and McNugget Buddies? These kids should be in McSchool studying the McBible.
So please, for the love of McGod, stop asking about the Missing Hamburger List. It’s time to move on. No hamburgers were burgled. None that anybody needs to know about. And even if they were, the Hamburglar had nothing to do with it. Trust us. And if you ask us about it again, you’re going to McJail.
💯